What is 18 months? What happens in that span of time? What changes? 

My boy is about 18 months old in this photo. I actually remember that exact day. It was a Tuesday. No special holiday. Just a Tuesday morning with my boy. 

See, today is one of those days of playing grief gymnastics. Here’s a sampling:

Ok, so today it’s been 18 months. Wow, it feels like a lifetime–or an instant. Well, which is it?  Can it be both? I guess it’s both. Pause. No, because right now it feels like it’s been forever that I have felt this void. Yes, forever. But, on the other hand…etc. 

So, it’s been 18 months. How old would he have been? 10 1/2. Pause. Imagine instantly everything you possibly can about what Owen would be like right now. Try to process a micro fraction of the image. Exhaustion.

Yeah, that’s about it.

Keeping time, feeling lost. 18 months.